Apparently this is what society wants of women who are no longer young, for you to disappear. If you try to be visible in any way as a person, whether its not dressing in shroud wear, getting a young partner, continuing to make pop music and slink around in body hugging costumes (that one’s for you Madonna) whatever it is you are ridiculed. If you look like a hot mess, ridicule; if you try to correct that, ridicule. How dare you try and compete with your daughter! That’s a favorite of mine. You can’t compete, why bother trying to look nice? There’s no way you’re sexual, you look too wrinkled and gross! Ewwww….LOL.

What’s shocking is these attitudes toward women start as soon as 35 years of age. Thirty-five! And once you’re 40, forget about it. To younger folks, 30-something included, you might as well be an alien. Anyway, my two cents. Make of my ramblings what you will.

I sure wish I had answers for you, Charlene, but I just have more angst-ridden questions. Is it your clothes you hate, your body, or both? If you lost some weight or did a little body reshaping (via an abs class or some posture realignment), would that help? What if you spent some money on clothes? I have to say, I just dropped about 20 lbs via a patchwork of diet plans and exercise (Best: 17 Day Diet), and while I’m far from thin, I’m thinner enough (size 12 and sometimes even 10 vs. bursting out of the 14s) that I feel much better and have new enthusiasm for buying clothes and dressing nicely. So…..that worked for me. It helps your whole spirit when you like what you see in the mirror.

If you need style that’s quick and fits with your lifestyle, see a wardrobe consultant. They’re free at department stores. Get a copy of More Magazine. As for the hair, take in a picture of what you want and tell that 12-year-old styling your hair you don’t want that old lady helmet do.

You’re a grown up! Assert yourself. I’m 45 and I am not cowed by the youngsters or what they think. I’m NOT old. And I refuse to be treated as if I am some doddering ancient person and demand my respect. You should do the same.

We do The Suburban Burka because:

1) We hate the new shapes we got (as a punishment?) in our mid-40s. We don’t want to see them. We don’t want anyone else to see them, either.

2) Everything in the stores is for size 2 teenagers.

3) We have no time for shopping and styling: We have jobs, elderly parents, young children, too many obligations.

4) If you have one strand of gray hair, you are getting a 1980 mushroom cut at any hair salon you visit, whether you want one or not. This seems to be the Young-Stylist-Approved Old Lady Haircut, the same one they give the patients at the State Hospital.

All these reasons are completely true and happen everywhere, millions of times a day. But the “style” is still oppressive–even if we’re doing it to ourselves.

We can’t change the fashion industry, the hateful beliefs of young hair stylists, or the fact that every “family obligation” means New Job for Good Old Mom. But we can:

1) Throw out everything worn out, bad fitting, or older than five years.

2) Get new bras that really fit.

3) Decide to change hair stylists until you find one who really “sees” you. Alternatively, grow in your hair and put it up…or buzz cut it yourself. It can hardly come out worse than the Old Lady Mushroom.

4) Decide to try on clothes in inexpensive stores at least once a month. It only takes a half hour. It’s a great cheap thrill when you find something new that actually works–and when you do, buy two. Turn off your cell phone while doing this.