How Not To Act Old

HNTAO afficionados know that the whole point of this blog is to point out new ways of not acting old. We don’t warn against stereotypical granny behavior — covering your furniture in plastic, sucking on hard candies — because, duh, we all know we’re not supposed to do that, right? Right??? So why are you […]

I was going to enumerate everything I hate about Halloween, but just picture scary teenagers pounding at the door with cheap grillz on, the kids crying because their trick-or-treating companions ditched them, and Mommy face down in a bag full of chocolate. Instead, I want to focus, young-like, on what’s unambigously good about Halloween, and […]

I don’t know what summer weekends mean to you, but to me they represent an excuse to eat huge messy hamburgers, charred black on the outside and oozing red inside, with salty buttered corn and dripping watermelon and gooey deviled eggs, all washed down by an ice cold beer.  Or five. Except now the Evil […]

Favorite season of the old: Fall. Why? Because the colors are so lovely, and you get to wear clothes that cover your body again, and you’re forced to stay in the house and eat beef stew and apple pie and drink sidecars. Sounds pretty good to me, but not to the young. For young people, […]

This is my last post until after Labor Day because I’m going on vacation. Well, I’m not going on vacation. In the second of eight straight years of paying college tuition, I can’t afford a vacation. But HNTAO is going on vacation. By itself. On a cruise. Except it’s pretending it’s going to Vegas (besides, […]

Okay, in the last installment, we got you carefully and finally out of the house. Whee! But you still have to make it to your vacation destination without acting old. Let’s go: 1. If you’re flying, do not get to the airport three and a half hours ahead of time. Yes, it takes a while […]

For the age-challenged, the most difficult part of going on vacation can be getting ready. We’re nervous about leaving home, is the thing. We don’t like being away from all our routines, all our stuff. And then, we worry about what’s going to happen to the place when we’re gone. Here, how not to act […]

All right, I’ve got to leave you alone for a couple of days now, and I don’t want to catch you Acting Old while I’m away: #54: Don’t Call July 4th “Our Nation’s Birthday.” Outmoded holiday nicknames — Turkey Day, St. Paddy’s Day — are lame and old. #55: Don’t Hang One Of Those Flag […]

Remember when your grandmother would send you a birthday card with a dollar bill inside as a present? That’s what it still feels like when you send someone a greeting card: like it came from their grandmother. You can update the experience by making your own card, sending a postcard, or using one of those […]